Tuesday Night , WEdnesday Morning April 5, 2006

My anger flares. I keep having such resentment for M. It is an extreme delayed reaction to her crappiness. It's such a pisser. Her and L's lovin. Ugh...Work sucked so bad hanging around people I don't enjoy. Who do I enjoy? No one really, yet everyone enjoys me.  Psycho S is in detox. I wish I never would have been with her at all. So many of my experiences feel like Crap to me. I'm tired of California. This computer is slower on the fucking internet. I've gone into the fucking hole -the hole where I want someone to call or care, yet I've pushed everyone away because overall they suck to deal with. I can't think of anyone's company I enjoy.

I just had my only client A- so my income today is 42.00. I feel like the Gohonzon doesn't really work for me the way I want it to. Tonight in my fatigue it feels like an endless painful austerity.These dialogues forever, to what fucking end- I want to die and leave this miserable place in which I dwell. I like my car and I like music sometimes. I chant to be free of the negative forces. To have to face E and the social fucking nightmare.

How do I enjoy life - when it is people that prevent me from enjoying life. Yet, what do I like to do?

INCOME 

Fucking psycho idiots 

Meats making me angry and yet I'm not food combining- perhaps---- God, women have failed me and damn them. Damn you Daniel and Maggie you fucking traitors. Fucking assholes. Nothing but assholes. Die assholes. Die soon and be gone.Go away evil shit heads. Why do I act nice- cause it's some kind of popularity test- why do I give a fucking rats ass if they like me or not. I used to not care, but then you don't have many friends.Discontent everyday- misery of the withdrawal. I felt good for a few fucking seconds.

Everything and the way they do it is pissing me off.

Wednesday morning April 5, 2006

Just dreamed of skiing. It was ok fun. I was alone, yet I seemed to be vaguely connected with some friends. My head hurts a little. Just had a swig of urine and I 'm up and running typing. I feel irritable. I still can't figure out why M won't at least call me back on work matters. I need to let go of the office. Yet, I want to be able to work on people. I like being able to impress people. Yet it is through her that I do so. The heat down here I think is what makes my head hurt.

Gonna work from 2 till 6 today and then go to cali driving program. Surely they will pay the price. I do need someone who is devoted. Where will I go after this tour is over.

Why did I partner with a cold and detached girl. Everyday is so difficult. How am I going to find happiness and enjoyment in life?

Wednesday Eve April 5, 2006

Rebelled this morning from converting my horrible morning pain into something. Then I was about to create some new music and was interrupted by R and the cell phone issue. Then by the time I got back to it I was too hungry and nervous. So I went out with the intention of remembering exercise and breakfast. I don't prepare- cause I don't seem to have enough money. Stayed at f's was bought dinner by P- so my income was that dinner. Dissappointing to gather strength to work on someone- then hear fucking D was the bailer. Went out to Lagunitas -saw a trooper -then I tucked in at the old Lag ranch. It reminds me of so much pain and sadness I faced there. Came back to work continuing to recite many gongyo. Still no message from M the witch. I must remember to stay clear of her negative influence.  Fought with A the asshole and recited to his chest. Painful and bitter afternoon -which led to finally having dinner with P and talked about it all. She said NamMyohoRengeKyo. 

She talked about how S could have been for me.

Guess I was depressed when S would just not fucking choose me. What the hell does P know? No one knows a thing about what should be and who should be with who. So I'll let it go. I would love to make love right now, yet there isn't the time place or money for me to be happily in a relationship anyway. 

I was happy to hear P chant 

Gonna write a letter to A:

I'm am becoming even more intuitive ---Perhaps, twisted Jedi mind tricks.

I've wanted to smoke so much--- and have broken down searching for such- yet I wasn't able and abandoned it.

Yesterday a hot bath with celtic sea salt, lemon, grapefruit. I scrubed myself with the lemons and grapefruit.  I did big healing tones- the kind that broke a pipe in the last house I was in. 

People are reflecting the non-regression I think I'm undergoing initial stages of such. EVERYONE is so confident in me.  You were with me when I got a copy of PEAK the sound editing software. Well, its not what I want but it does the job.

April 7, 2006

I'm nearly out of money and it's getting to me. My mood was feeling so wonderful -then I'm assailed with negative emotions. I'm so irritated.  Why did I go to Frog's? I feel like it is to blame. I'm so pissed off. What am I going to do?-Live on credit. As it is tonight. I want to apply for a new card. The debt worries me. How am I going to make money.

April 8, 2006

I feel like shit so far today. Just ran around sleepy hollow ridge. I've got to get out of here. I'm miserable - I feel like I'm surrounded by Zombie aliens. Discontent brings and breeds more discontent. I'm tired. 

Sunday April 9, 2006

I'm hatin it tonight. Fucking bitches... Then this K woman just came in -too old and she wanted the guy with long hair. Got to see S -yuck. My life feels like crap. I'm angry. I'm pushing everyone away. Pretty soon there will be no one left. I feel like I'm losing my ability to be around people. I'm truly hatin it. Down my attitude has gone. I'm receiving no benefit it seems. I want to leave this earth and never come back. I feel like a pawn for creations' torture. I'm tired of peoples problems and their fucking bodies everyday. No one to come home to worthwhile. Solid fucking crap. How am I going to deal? How am I going to make a living if I leave. I hate this fucking cold climate all the time. I wish it would end. I wish for the whole population would die. I will probably be alone as I have been my whole life. I hate M. I can't think of one person I want to be with or see at the moment.