May 18 Monday 2009 Northern County California C and G's Youth House

The depression continues. Last night after a good day of laundry, music with L and G, then VoV meeting in Novato, then a toso, then gave D a ride home. 

I then went to see Star Trek, then home after experiencing the sadness of Fairfax and how I never meet the girl who does it.

I am filled with loneliness, hate, and disgust with what has become of my life.

I am so negative that I had many thoughts of killing myself today. Yet, I am afraid of that negative cause. 

The religious cause.  The thought...

Then the sound of the C construction people this morning. The lack of connectivity. J reduced my rent to 375.00. I'm so miserable and poor. With no hope or break in the future.

Now, dirty boat working. I feel so dead inside. I'm so angry for getting involved with K from L.A. I allowed my fantasy of finding someone to love. Nobody has time or money for me and my endless emotional problems.

Excited and happy yesterday for what? For fucking what? Sexual release was in the past something that I could count on. How would life let these crappy women in my world? I've been doing something everyday that is supposedly so powerful and wonderful, yet it is not... It has not been effective in me meeting anyone in society who can help me advance my talent into the world. If I am so important... Yea right, I'm just shit - just a little person who doesn't know his place.