March 31, 2004

Dear E,

I knew that the only way I could survive this undertaking coming back to the overall dryness of the valley was to plunge back into the practice. I have done so and I have you to thank for that.

The meeting was a total success. I am happy to read your honest and true thoughts; however, I have more faith in you than of course you indicate that you have for yourself. It sounds that you have brilliantly discovered some things that you wish to change – just, at the moment, it is impossible to change because the practice just doesn't exist for the sake of the individual. Chanting alone barely works for me or anyone at this point. The mission is world wide Kosen Rufu and that movement is for all equality and for all of our true happiness.

I am so glad you called me tonight. You sound like the E I know. You write like the E I know and love. It is not such a bad thing to realize the dramas we put ourselves through. The negative thing is holding attachment to what others think of us or the attachment to things done in the past which we cannot change. Myoho means to open. Everything in this life is ONE –everything is all one. Of course you cannot trust human beings as far as you can throw them; however, you can trust in their lives to understand. People understand. The difference is, you think you are alone in this mess. You think that others lives are not equally or even more screwed up or messed up. This is the messy human experience. Don’t you remember when you could not use the bathroom on your own. Remember being a kid and barfing, pooting, urinating on anything and everything – yet people were there for us then and people will be there for you again. 

From this moment forward. The mistakes can be learned from. Please somehow accept and love who you are now. Don’t close off and isolate –this is yet another mental strategy. Apologize sincerely in front of a Gohonzon and move forward. I apologize for talking faith matters to you, however, this is how I sincerely feel right now. You were there for me in all my “wrong” right turns. Everything you do, Shari putra is an enlightened act toward your total victory.

I RELATE to everything you are writing! Now is your chance to slay the dragon which holds you prisoner. Plead and fight for your life cause this cold dark winter’s night in your heart will give way to the brightest sun. Your suffering is so deep that you have everything to gain. I repeat, you have everything and enormous benefit coming –just don’t give in to despair. You have a friend here who loves you so much. Someday soon you will come to know that light that we love in you again.

In Florida, it was losing you –first to the thought of you choosing neither and being a hermit. Then I gave in to the demon power and I lost my temper and became crazy in front of my dear mother who has nothing but unconditional love for me. She proved strong and saw me through the darkest hour of my life. More importantly, I saw through the darkest night and chose to fully embrace the Gohonzon with all my might and heart. I simply could not bare gaining and losing you again; however, I killed that demon and gave him enlightenment. So now I have you to thank forever. I need what you do to me. I wish everything was rosey, yet peace breeds cowardice. I’ve been a coward to not know how I let things come between us. I know that you are becoming a woman. You have your ultimate creative project to produce. You are capable of bringing in a beautiful life and I want you to have that treasure someday no matter what happens.

If you can believe that crack and every hell I’ve put myself through has birthed the desire to really make love and undergo the hardest of all jobs coming –becoming a father. It is time to overcome our selfishness. It is time to become successful in our lives.

It is time to repay –to let another human life come into the picture –as a natural remedy for this selfishness of life. This indulgent depression of self interest. 

My problems so great – Now virtually gone cause I’ve plunged into the ocean of others problems in therapy and moreover in SGI.

Our Mothers’ powers to hold us in the light is fading –mine is getting old and yours is gone.

So if it is Audrey that needs to come back in, let’s give her a home. Who knows who it will be. 

You honored me all along the way. Sure, this mirage of D has been the so called source of my leaving – yet I’ve indulged in fantasy lives far off. In France, yet you were there at the airport and I cried so much because it was the dream of you being truly happy with you (and you loving/happy with you/me) that I always wanted.

I cried, yet I had to do what I had to do – to pursue what I thought to be a better life, yet every time I’ve strayed from you life has literally gotten so much worse than I could imagine. 

You are a good influence in my life!!! And I’ve not been ready for that goodness, though I thought I was ready. You are what helps make me a great man. I want to see you proud of something we can create together. I know we can be excellent friends and lovers. I know we can change our family patterns. 

Whatever you have to go through, I hope to be there for you. The gohonzon gave me the gift of you and I will do my best to honor and cherish what I’ve been given if you’ll just come practice by my side – I know we can do it. We’ll look forward together and hopefully we’ll get to truly gaze into each others eyes and feel total love and happiness chanting together, overcoming any and all obstacles.

Please, Please Please be easy on yourself right now. I think there are things happening to your body of which you might be unaware. Please think good thoughts and breathe through this.  Drink a toast to yourself – a hot cup of your blood (urine)… if you can or wish. Thoughts can be just as effective as poison.

SO, Of course I’m still your friend…

I am still determined to give us the North. It is my determination. Our time here in San Fernando is nearly done. Come campaign by my side one last time in the South. We will gracefully depart here. I will not give in. Our wisdom is not fully appreciated here, yet the people here do love me. Your live of health and happiness will happen. You must trust. You must have faith.

I am determined to win. I am determined to lead you and your father out of this unhealthy place – to a new life of nature reenforced happiness.

If I have to drag you two by your hair – I cannot allow you to suffer this way any more. Please come with me on a little exploration trip. 

There is a REASON your job has ended HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is Time. You can write them or repair the situation in the near future –NOT for your employment at CSUN; however, for your future reference of teaching credibility>>>Don’t you worry, remember how fortunate and magically YOU HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF by the universe- my little fortune baby.

RE: the Gemini trip

YOU must repeat after me “there is a GEM in I  !!!!!! I am a GEM and your eller beller loves you…and YOU LOVE YOU… NOW !!! No thinking

Just do!

Revive your Heart and forget the past

Boing Boing, bop on the head

Tis in the past 

Is gone

Today and tomorrow is ours

We’ve worked hard 

Now let’s pack up peacefully and repair our bridges in the South here as we slide on out to the future!!!!!!!!!!!!

The house is clearing up.

Junk is being thrown away as we speak today

We’ll leave our past where it belongs

After properly accruing the fortune to rid ourselves of bulky boxes and constipated blockages

Many in body --- one in mind

Many in diverse complex bodies

Not able to be analysed by even your powerful mind

You must not kill your fortune for the jettison Northward

THE EARTHQUAKES and trials of the nasty greedy South

We must move on with love and light

Please re read this letter

Print this out and keep it near your heart

Don’t give up! My precious Gem!

Take some deep breaths of appreciation for your vacation in New Zealand

Inhale the memory and the strength of fresh air and then get your cute butt back here,

Cause I’m not leaving without you or your Dad.

You ‘re my precious GEM.

Please comply with your hearts desire…

Let’s end the self persecution of tortured location –let’s accept that Northern Feel in which and where we belong…

Our memories fighting down here WILL BE a GOLDEN MEMORY TREASURE

AGAIN, let’s leave with total victory to set the tone for the future. 

Victorious INSIDE OURSELVES, cause this PHENOMENOM of the Valley is not going to change.

We are changing –YOUR LIFE is in control and I KNOW THAT

NOT your MIND

ENJOY while you can where you are

Please listen to me…

Love and light to you!!!!!!!

Ellis

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo