December 21

It is another way of being, however, in general I am so disappointed in her behavior. I am lost in sea of sorrow for the way that she treats me. I am lost in a place in which I am dead to myself. 

I feel completely broken.

Another smoking loser. Completely closed-minded loss.

There is no way to see in the darkness. There is no way to navigate through the illness of this life. 

 I would go home. 

If somehow I had a way to live? 

She is quickly becoming my enemy. 

This is the way I feel sober and this is the way I feel buzzed and alive.

Love is a disaster and on this level perhaps no one can help me.

Perhaps I am all alone.

 I will get a bail out on this situation. I can go to New York and I will book the ticket and close the door on her if that is the will of life.

This Ukraine ignorant bitch is now caressing and with another man.

The very dude and person who is an underwater photographer and videographer. Now she holds him and talks to him and loves him.

Why? Cause she is an ignorant whore and I will build a business and be rid of her. I will swear her off. I will keep her away from me. I think that it is best.

December 22

Didn't get to write cause she is always around and it takes constant energy.

December 23

Strange emotions and burn out with everything. I cannot rest or sleep around her. It makes me nervous - is it because I am not true.

Is it too difficult?

Is it unbearable? I have to find some way. At this point, working for the ad agency is the only opportunity I have. This is indeed a fearful situation again. My Karma is regrettably unchanged it appears. I do not know what to do. I am at a loss. I have needs that are unmet on all fronts. 

I try to see it positively yet there is no relief. I am lost in a sea of nothing. Is this too difficult? Can I pull this off?